I'm going nuts!
It feels like it's been years since I last blogged. Our internet connection here has been quite erratic these past days so I haven't been on-line as much as I used to. I've also been catching up with my reading and doing a lot of "thinking" lately that there's hardly any time for me to actually go on line.
Also, I've been writing a lot in my "written" journal. That one's more personal (or should I say too personal compared to this one) than my blog. Writing in my journal serves as my refuge when I don't know what to do or when I don't understand things happening around me any longer and when I just need to let my feelings out. I've never been the type of person who would actually bare everything to another person, be s/he my closest friend or a member of my family. Having a journal really helps me a lot.
There are times when there are a million and one ideas and thoughts in my mind that if I don't get down to write them, I'd totally go nuts! These are thoughts about life, about the world, about people I care for, about things going on, about the past, the present and the future, about everything and anything. These are stories that things around me feed my brain. Sometimes, when I'm sitting alone staring at something, I'd suddenly start talking or creating a dialogue of some sort. Sometimes, I see a single word and the next thing I know I'm in my own world with that single word playing with and around me. It gets really crazy sometimes.
When I'm walking alone- that's when a whole lot of these ideas and thoughts attack and chase me around the whole place. I don't know if this is normal and all. The thing is, sometimes, I'd really wish for these thoughts to give me at least five minutes of peace. Having a lot of things in one's mind is good, I know. But, sometimes my mind is just so full of ideas and thoughts I can barely breathe. I'd feel suffocated, as if I was drowning in the ocean of my thoughts.
While I thank God for this gift, I just can't help but sometimes feel that it's also a curse. And, the thing that really bothers me is that I don't really use this "gift/curse" to my advantage. Writing things down isn't enough. Trying not to drown isn't enough. Honestly, I don't exactly know what I want or what I'm saying right now. All I know is that I'd really like to have a moment of "silence". That's all I'm asking for. Just one minute of silence.
Comments
I told her it's a normal thing and that I know I'm not the only person who feels that way. I am quite slighted by her joking about it though.
thanks, sealds. it's good to know i'm not alone.:)
i do keep a more intimate journal since high school. and when i reread what i have written... i always say weird kaayo ko...
apil ko sa inyong gang...Three is not a crowd... ;-)
just keep that journal safe and not let it fall into other people's hands. :)
i will say it's normal, because that would make my own experiences normal, too. hehehe...
bitaw, there are times i catch myself actually talking to myself (aloud pa!) when i'm walking alone. i feel worried for myself, of course, because other people might really notice and they'll think i've really crossed to the "other side". scary.
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forewords,
More words then I had ever heard and I..
I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
- Jason Mraz, You and I
As soon as I read this entry, I thought of this song.
I'm a little crazy about words myself. I liken them to butterflies - beautiful creatures that are more often than not so difficult to catch. They flit around you when you're least ready to snag them, taunting you, provoking.
My brother calls it "bethang". Tig iyan a, "siyapo-oka na baterplai."
Hahaha.
BTW looking forward o your next post. I noticed that you don't post up pics anymore. Any reason?
toni girl, i will, God willing. i like writing (and reading) letters.:)
continue with the journal. it helps.