What lies ahead?
The past days proved to be thinking and doing days for me. Doing, because I have been busy with a lot of things. Thinking, because I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, of course, when one does that, there's a lot of realizations that finally sink in. So, just like anybody else, I've reached a lot of realizations in the past days. Realizations that are life-changing and life-defining, I'd say. There are some that I deem too personal to share and there are some that are, in general, realizations anyone my age would actually have.
One realization I had that's so great it has overwhelmed me is the fact that I've come, yet again, to realize how much I want to have a baby. Well, not now, of course! But, at least, before I die, I'd like to have a child and know how it feels to have one. I know for a fact that one of the greatest, if not the greatest, fulfillment in a woman's life is when she becomes a mother. Babies are being born to my friends and cousins left and right, and I can't help but feel such a strong feeling of wanting to have one of my own, too. Whenever I carry a baby in my arms and, yes, I'm quite good with them, I feel so much love and peacefulness, like everything in the world is all right.
Let me share something, I've always imagined myself becoming a mother someday. Ever since I was in college, whenever I thought about the future or whenever I took those "How do you see yourself in 25 years?" test thingies, I'd always see myself with children or taking care of my own children. But, whenever people asked me whom I imagine myself to be with or my partner/husband, I could never really say anything. I could never identify. Some found that weird. But, really, I could never see a man with me or anywhere in my future. Or, at least, I couldn't see the man yet. Not, not really. It's not just about not being able to identify a man or the man, it's an almost definite absence. I just couldn't imagine or see any man, neither could I imagine any place for a man in my life. Whenever I thought about the days to come, I'd see (want to see) myself as someone successful in both career and family, i.e. as a mother, never with a man.
There was a time when I shared this idea with my closest friends a few years ago, when everyone our age was starting to settle down. I just kept on saying, I want to be a mother. And, that's it. Some of them didn't really like the pronouncement, but, well those were my thoughts at the time.
And, now, because of all the babies being born around me, the thought has come back. Strongly. Still, no man. But, what I find so beautiful, yet disturbing in some way is that I can almost hear, feel and touch my (future) baby. What all this means, I have no idea. Maybe someone could help me read or understand this thought. :)
Comments
that, of course, is not impossible --- alam mo Ket, sobrang certain ako that God knows how big our hearts are, how it can be consumed with so much love ... in time, in His time. :) how? i don't know. hehehehe
(i super like your pix btw. your niece is beautiful --- parang nasi-smell ko ang baby scent niya!! *dreamy look*)
And, right now, you have the boys as your "kids" muna. 'Di ba? :)
however, with you're having a baby yet with no man in specific somehow disturbed me. it's possible of course, and i admire you for being so firm in your convictions. then again, because of our cultural barriers, some things just remain whims than a reality. we live in our own fantasies. of course it would be i think more acceptable if you'd be with a man whom you love. besides, your baby would appreciate to have a father too, right? hehe
this is just my unsolicited comment. i hope you don't mind my gesture teh dee. lab yah..
Lytox, thanks for your comment, too. Siempre, I don't mean naman to say that I'm never going to have a man in my life or something. Paano naman ako magkaka-anak kung wala 'yun, 'di ba? Hehe:) What I actually meant was I just don't exactly see the man... yet. At saka, minsan, iniisip ko na okay na ako with or without a man opama ah. 'Yung ganu'n. But, I'm sure that I want to have a baby. In the future, that is. Thus, I will need a man. :)
On the other hand, it is a MUST that someone has to inherit your genes. Sobrang sayang kung walang magmamana ng ganda't talino na yan. Hehe. :) Don't worry, 35 years old ngayon ang elderly primigravid kaya malayo pa. :D
Truest in every sense, I second the motion that time will put everything in its right place. No rush to things as the things so significant are those that are truly worth waiting for.
InshaAllah, when that time comes, I'm sure you will be a great mom. :)
My friends who are first-time moms talk so much about their difficulties and joys and tears and sighs and when they looked at their own baby, all those worries were gone. How magical is it?!
Someday, we will all get there. But now is not yet the right time for me.
two of my friends are in their late thirties. one is 30 yrs old. sometimes the two feels the loneliness. they cry at times realizing that they are still single. i just need to be there to give my little piece of advices. :-)
Kars, yes, we'll get there when the perfect time comes for us. ;)
Miss Bing, your friends are lucky to have you because I know you give really good advice. :)
First off, you have a very very cute niece. :)
If only having children can be possible without a man (not scientifically and in an inexpensive way)...
I find it a bit funny to think that there are a lot of us who have the same thought, thinking that one day we will become mothers, knowing that we have not yet found THE MAN. Question is, are we searching??? heheh...
Some day. One day. All in God's perfect time :)
Salaam!
Question is, are we searching???
--Do not seek and you shall find. ;-)
But I think you're meant to be a mother, Ma'am Diane. Naniniwala akong madalas ang mga teachers, magaling magpalaki ng mga anak. And you have to be a mother. Hindi maaaring hindi mo maipasa sa next generation ang genes na 'yan! The future will not be as brighter. :D