Being Alone...

I like being alone every once in a while. It gives me the chance to reflect and introspect. It gives me the chance to look at so many things in ways I’ve never looked at them before. It gives me the chance to plan for my future. It gives me the chance to go back to what’s past and gone. Being alone with my thoughts would sometimes bring me huge smiles and hearty laughs, sometimes fat tears and heavy sighs. It is when I am alone that I can think clearly. It is when I am alone that I can easily hear what my heart has to say. It is when I am alone that I am able to see and gauge how and what I am or what I have become as a person.

But, sometimes, I hate being alone. It would sometimes bore me to tears and make me want to shout my lungs out. Loneliness is one of the feelings I least like. In my experience, at worst cases, loneliness would lead me to really bad depression spells. It’s doubly tough for me because I’m the type of person who’s almost always happy. When I’m depressed, my worst self surfaces and I start to see only the negative side of things. I do not see or I’d even refuse to see the positive side of things, which is what I would normally and usually do. When I’m depressed, I’d want to isolate myself from other people because I’d feel like I’m a bomb waiting to explode. When I’m depressed, I’d hate myself because I sort of become the person that I don’t want to be or just the opposite of what I really am (or probably what I think I really am). In short, I become schizophrenic when I’m depressed!

Right now, I feel so alone. It’s not the type of ‘being alone’ that I like. It’s the type of ‘being alone’ that drives me nuts! It’s one of those really bad times… :(