28 July 2010
The past days proved to be thinking and doing days for me. Doing, because I have been busy with a lot of things. Thinking, because I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, of course, when one does that, there's a lot of realizations that finally sink in. So, just like anybody else, I've reached a lot of realizations in the past days. Realizations that are life-changing and life-defining, I'd say. There are some that I deem too personal to share and there are some that are, in general, realizations anyone my age would actually have.
One realization I had that's so great it has overwhelmed me is the fact that I've come, yet again, to realize how much I want to have a baby. Well, not now, of course! But, at least, before I die, I'd like to have a child and know how it feels to have one. I know for a fact that one of the greatest, if not the greatest, fulfillment in a woman's life is when she becomes a mother. Babies are being born to my friends and cousins left and right, and I can't help but feel such a strong feeling of wanting to have one of my own, too. Whenever I carry a baby in my arms and, yes, I'm quite good with them, I feel so much love and peacefulness, like everything in the world is all right.
Let me share something, I've always imagined myself becoming a mother someday. Ever since I was in college, whenever I thought about the future or whenever I took those "How do you see yourself in 25 years?" test thingies, I'd always see myself with children or taking care of my own children. But, whenever people asked me whom I imagine myself to be with or my partner/husband, I could never really say anything. I could never identify. Some found that weird. But, really, I could never see a man with me or anywhere in my future. Or, at least, I couldn't see the man yet. Not, not really. It's not just about not being able to identify a man or the man, it's an almost definite absence. I just couldn't imagine or see any man, neither could I imagine any place for a man in my life. Whenever I thought about the days to come, I'd see (want to see) myself as someone successful in both career and family, i.e. as a mother, never with a man.
There was a time when I shared this idea with my closest friends a few years ago, when everyone our age was starting to settle down. I just kept on saying, I want to be a mother. And, that's it. Some of them didn't really like the pronouncement, but, well those were my thoughts at the time.
And, now, because of all the babies being born around me, the thought has come back. Strongly. Still, no man. But, what I find so beautiful, yet disturbing in some way is that I can almost hear, feel and touch my (future) baby. What all this means, I have no idea. Maybe someone could help me read or understand this thought. :)
16 July 2010
Hello! It's been a long time! *winks!*
So, what have I been up to these past days? Well, from the early part of June up until about a week ago, there was only one thing that occupied my mind most parts of my days aside, of course, from my classes and that's the World Cup! I actually can't believe the month-long World Cup had come and gone. It feels like it just started yesterday and, now, it's done! I have always been a football/soccer fan since my early teenage years and, of course, like every soccer fan in the world, the World Cup, which takes place every 4 years, is one event I always look forward to. It is, for me, the most important sports event in the world. Much bigger than the Olympics itself in my opinion. And, I've always had the item, to watch the World Cup in person and be one with every soccer fan in the country where it's held, in my Bucket List.
Though this year's World Cup was devastating for me since all of my teams got eliminated very early in the running, I extremely enjoyed monitoring the games night after night. And, when Spain emerged as champions, I was really happy as I was rooting for them, too. At that point, I was decided on rooting for any team but Germany after they beat Argentina.
I guess that should be enough talking about the World Cup. If I don't stop now, I might not be able to stop. Hehe:) I just wanted to share what I've been up to during my short blog hiatus.
In other news, I've recently found out that there is actually a published poem with the same title as my blog. It's written by Charley Barretto. And, her book is, in fact, entitled The Ocean of My Being & Other Love Poems. I also found a Friendster blog entitled The Ocean of My Being, but the latest entry is dated December 29th, 2008.
Interesting, eh? But, honestly, at first I felt rather cheated. Not that I have any right to, but all these years, I really thought that my blog doesn't share its title with any other. I mean, when I first started blogging in 2003, I really thought hard about what title to give my blog. I wanted to make sure it'd be unique and all. I chose to use ocean because it's my favorite word. So, when I finally came up with the title, I was pretty happy and proud of it.
A few weeks ago, I was google-ing a book that I needed and when I could not really find anything that satisfied me, I started google-ing all sorts of stuff. Then, I suddenly thought of the Philippine Daily Inquirer internet article that featured my blog, so I entered "the ocean of my being" in the search bar. And, that's how I found out about the poem and that other blog. I was shocked, really. I just didn't expect that there'd be other people who would actually come up with exactly the same title as I did. But then, at the end of the day, I thought, well, there probably are people who think alike. And, besides the words I used in my title are not exactly uncommon. So, I decided to just be happy about the issue. I mean, the three (since I know of only three) of us came up with and used the exact same words, so it must be a good choice of a title. Now, I don't find it (the idea that I share my blog's title with others) as irritating as I first did. I actually find it weirdly funny and, well, fine. If anything, I actually feel a tad more proud of my blog's title than I ever did. :)