What lies ahead?


The past days proved to be thinking and doing days for me. Doing, because I have been busy with a lot of things. Thinking, because I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, of course, when one does that, there's a lot of realizations that finally sink in. So, just like anybody else, I've reached a lot of realizations in the past days. Realizations that are life-changing and life-defining, I'd say. There are some that I deem too personal to share and there are some that are, in general, realizations anyone my age would actually have.

One realization I had that's so great it has overwhelmed me is the fact that I've come, yet again, to realize how much I want to have a baby. Well, not now, of course! But, at least, before I die, I'd like to have a child and know how it feels to have one. I know for a fact that one of the greatest, if not the greatest, fulfillment in a woman's life is when she becomes a mother. Babies are being born to my friends and cousins left and right, and I can't help but feel such a strong feeling of wanting to have one of my own, too. Whenever I carry a baby in my arms and, yes, I'm quite good with them, I feel so much love and peacefulness, like everything in the world is all right.

Let me share something, I've always imagined myself becoming a mother someday. Ever since I was in college, whenever I thought about the future or whenever I took those "How do you see yourself in 25 years?" test thingies, I'd always see myself with children or taking care of my own children. But, whenever people asked me whom I imagine myself to be with or my partner/husband, I could never really say anything. I could never identify. Some found that weird. But, really, I could never see a man with me or anywhere in my future. Or, at least, I couldn't see the man yet. Not, not really. It's not just about not being able to identify a man or the man, it's an almost definite absence. I just couldn't imagine or see any man, neither could I imagine any place for a man in my life. Whenever I thought about the days to come, I'd see (want to see) myself as someone successful in both career and family, i.e. as a mother, never with a man.

There was a time when I shared this idea with my closest friends a few years ago, when everyone our age was starting to settle down. I just kept on saying, I want to be a mother. And, that's it. Some of them didn't really like the pronouncement, but, well those were my thoughts at the time.

And, now, because of all the babies being born around me, the thought has come back. Strongly. Still, no man. But, what I find so beautiful, yet disturbing in some way is that I can almost hear, feel and touch my (future) baby. What all this means, I have no idea. Maybe someone could help me read or understand this thought. :)


My niece and I...


Comments

BabyPink said…
Thank you, Rhy! How's life Down Under? I hope all's well with you, dear. :)
chepie said…
ako man, ganyan din. regardless of all the circumstances i have been through, including the achievements i have in life, i know i want to be a mom. feeling ko, in my heart, it's a perfect role for me, something that i could be so OA about and still look cute being so, that when that perfect time comes, i will give it my best, Godwilling.

that, of course, is not impossible --- alam mo Ket, sobrang certain ako that God knows how big our hearts are, how it can be consumed with so much love ... in time, in His time. :) how? i don't know. hehehehe

(i super like your pix btw. your niece is beautiful --- parang nasi-smell ko ang baby scent niya!! *dreamy look*)
BabyPink said…
I felt you'd comment, 'ta Pie. I know and feel how much you actually want to be a mom. And, you'll be a great mom. I'm sure of that. OA and cute, yes. In God's perfect time.

And, right now, you have the boys as your "kids" muna. 'Di ba? :)
Anonymous said…
It took me 30 minutes to finally decide to comment on this blog. I could not find the words to describe how I so want a baby. We've been really trying for the past 6 years and Allah indeed listens to our prayers.. HE gave us one 2 years ago but we were not given the chance to hold him. It was only six weeks that I felt motherhood. Though not really Motherhood in the truest sense of the word. I want to share the medical procedures I am currently undergoing, but I feel that I might pre-empt the excitement. :)Bestfriend, I feel so puzzled why we sometimes think and feel the same way about things! I'm really glad we're best of friends! mwah! luv you, ini..
Unknown said…
i wasn't surprised to have read you wrote about seeing or identifying 'no man' in your life. a colleague shared me once you said it.

however, with you're having a baby yet with no man in specific somehow disturbed me. it's possible of course, and i admire you for being so firm in your convictions. then again, because of our cultural barriers, some things just remain whims than a reality. we live in our own fantasies. of course it would be i think more acceptable if you'd be with a man whom you love. besides, your baby would appreciate to have a father too, right? hehe

this is just my unsolicited comment. i hope you don't mind my gesture teh dee. lab yah..
BabyPink said…
Bstfrnd, aaaww, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel about having a baby. Naino, in God's perfect time. Insha-Allah. :)

Lytox, thanks for your comment, too. Siempre, I don't mean naman to say that I'm never going to have a man in my life or something. Paano naman ako magkaka-anak kung wala 'yun, 'di ba? Hehe:) What I actually meant was I just don't exactly see the man... yet. At saka, minsan, iniisip ko na okay na ako with or without a man opama ah. 'Yung ganu'n. But, I'm sure that I want to have a baby. In the future, that is. Thus, I will need a man. :)
Ai said…
If there's one thing I love about my OB-GYN rotation is seeing the joy in the mothers' eyes. It's a whole different kind of happiness that makes me imagine my own little angel too. And like you, I have no idea of the little angel's father. Hehe. :) InshaAllah, in God's time, we will become mothers of cute little us. We're not in a rush anyway.

On the other hand, it is a MUST that someone has to inherit your genes. Sobrang sayang kung walang magmamana ng ganda't talino na yan. Hehe. :) Don't worry, 35 years old ngayon ang elderly primigravid kaya malayo pa. :D
BabyPink said…
My precious Ai, you're right. We're not in a rush. At my age, alam ko na 'yang gan'yan ay hindi talaga p'wede i-rush-rush. Lisod na jud! Hehe:) May friends nga ako na in their late 30s na nagka-anak. So, hindi pa naman ganu'n ka-pressured. Gusto kong maging nanay balang araw, kung kailan, well, only God knows. :)
Hevah said…
Ma'am D, this entry is so enlightening. :) Most of the time, the status thought is we dream of what guy we want to be with and then we hardly ever put some thought into babies and what we dream for them as the future mothers.

Truest in every sense, I second the motion that time will put everything in its right place. No rush to things as the things so significant are those that are truly worth waiting for.

InshaAllah, when that time comes, I'm sure you will be a great mom. :)
Karina said…
I think once I blogged about how much I feel the 'intense' pressure of settling down. One by one my friends are getting married and getting pregnant. I also dream of being a mother and raising my own child. Kahit hindi ako mahilig sa bata.

My friends who are first-time moms talk so much about their difficulties and joys and tears and sighs and when they looked at their own baby, all those worries were gone. How magical is it?!

Someday, we will all get there. But now is not yet the right time for me.
bing said…
i have three single friends. and that makes me understand how you feel. one of them told me that hindi naman pwedeng pi-pick pup na lang sya ng lalaki sa buhay nya nang ganun ganun lang para magkaanak. she said that she wants to have a man who will love her back, or more than how she loves him. that way, she said again, her baby will be loved, too.

two of my friends are in their late thirties. one is 30 yrs old. sometimes the two feels the loneliness. they cry at times realizing that they are still single. i just need to be there to give my little piece of advices. :-)
BabyPink said…
Thank you for your kind words, Hevs!

Kars, yes, we'll get there when the perfect time comes for us. ;)

Miss Bing, your friends are lucky to have you because I know you give really good advice. :)
psychicnerd said…
hey there, baby pink!

First off, you have a very very cute niece. :)

If only having children can be possible without a man (not scientifically and in an inexpensive way)...

I find it a bit funny to think that there are a lot of us who have the same thought, thinking that one day we will become mothers, knowing that we have not yet found THE MAN. Question is, are we searching??? heheh...

Some day. One day. All in God's perfect time :)

Salaam!
BabyPink said…
Hi psychicnerd!

Question is, are we searching???
--Do not seek and you shall find. ;-)
Khadijah said…
The only reason I can think of why one can't imagine her future with a man is because he really hasn't appeared yet in the present. Feeling ko (feeling ko lang) mabubuo lang naman talaga 'yung imagination mo ng guy na gusto mong makasama forever kapag talagang nakita mo na siya. Ay, ewan ko. Basta ako, hindi ako maghahanap. Hahayaan ko siyang magpakapagod na hanapin ako. *insert evil laugh* :)

But I think you're meant to be a mother, Ma'am Diane. Naniniwala akong madalas ang mga teachers, magaling magpalaki ng mga anak. And you have to be a mother. Hindi maaaring hindi mo maipasa sa next generation ang genes na 'yan! The future will not be as brighter. :D
BabyPink said…
Aaaww, thanks for the really nice words about the genes and all, Jinggay. The thing is, it's not just that I can't imagine THE guy. It's that I cannot imagine A guy, if you know what I mean. Normally kasi, there is this imagination na kahit wala pang mukha, makikita ng babae na may katuwang siya, may makakasama siya sa future. Opama na sa akin na parang hindi lang walang mukha kundi wala talagang lalaki. Walang lugar ang lalaki. 'Yung ganu'n. That's how I think. At the moment. :)

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